Most of my birthdays begin with reflection and today was no different. Four decades of life…hard to believe. I often feared not living beyond 34 years of life (age my father died). Today I decided to list forty feelings I have as I enter my fortieth year of life. Here’s to the feels.
I FEEL…
Alive
Grateful
Challenged
Fulfilled
Hopeful
Joyful
Fit
Whole
Surprised
Unfulfilled
Sadness
Loved
Foolish
Known
Satisfied
Beautiful
Longing
Light
Free
Courageous
Connected
Peace
Jaded
Anger
Content
Accepted
Human
Tired
Unknown
Alone
Purposeful
Deep Loss
Enjoyed
Experienced
Misunderstood
Feeble
Strong
Unseen
Human
Barren
I don’t always feel capable. I don’t always feel strong. I don’t always feel loved. I don’t always feel known. Today, I am thankful to be in a place where these feelings can safely reside in me to remind me of my humanity and desperate need for God. No longer ignoring heart ache to search for heart joy, but rather embracing both as a sign that I am fully alive.
Forty feels simultaneously amazing and complex. This is not how I thought forty would look and I’m okay with that. I really am okay with all of that.
I’ve lived a lot of life as a single Black woman and I’ve resisted writing down these thoughts for a while, but usually in my writing I find solace sprinkled with liberty and saturated with courage. Courage to share that I am nearly FORTY (yep, the big 4 0) and I have spent almost half of those years navigating life as a single woman. This is at times a difficult truth because it is far from my desire or even what I had “planned,” but that’s NOT what this post is about. This post isn’t about the difficult aspects of singleness, it’s about the silent directives whispered to women by well-meaning friends and family to be someone other than their authentic selves to rid them of this thing called singleness.
The title “chronic singleness” is hyperbolic in nature and intended to conjure up thoughts of potential cures. Why? Because women who are single into their mid-to-late thirties begin to be treated as if their singleness was brought on by their selfishness (clearly they must be chasing a career), insecurities, high standards, or strong personality. In essence, the problem MUST belong to the woman… And of course some might say that all of the aforementioned “symptoms” are curable.
Here’s where well meaning peeps enter the scene. They begin asking the woman about things she could possibly change about herself to garner the attention of a man. Even recommending that she change her standards of desirable characteristics in a partner to simply look like… “man with a job.” It may sound funny to some, but this is only comical through your twenties. Once you reach your mid-to-late thirties it becomes exhausting. If this sounds personal, it is. I’ve received advise from people I love dearly that varies from trying an online dating app to revealing less of my educational background to appear less intimidating to men.
I’m exhausted fam. I have been told over and over again that I must shrink back so that the man can shine. Veil portions of my full self so that his presence can supersede mine. Why can’t we both shine together? This exhausting narrative has become awkward as I approach forty. Like, what else can you ask me to do to “prepare” for this mystery man? And why aren’t men being asked the same types of questions?
Precious moment with my friend’s little one.
Truthfully, at this stage, people engage me with caution as they see my love for children and family and approach me with uncertainty to ask if it’s okay to pray for my future husband. Or the look on their face indicates that they are genuinely baffled as to the cause of my singleness and long for a day where I will share in the joy of a long term relationship and family of my own. I want to thank friends and family for their concern and care, but I must also request that you all stop treating me like singleness is something to be cured. The longing in my heart persists for marriage and a family of my own, but my life is full today. I am not lacking as a single person.
I remember the shame centered around this conversation as a woman in my mid-thirties when people who know me unintentionally communicated that I was not enough. A Christian community that idolizes marriage and gives little value to the single person often did the same. I began to embrace the idea of searching for a cure for my singleness; my chronic condition of incompleteness until I realized that I am enough. God’s design of me is COMPLETE. A change in marital status should only add to the beauty of my life as most relationships do. No single person completes another person. Periodt.
I, like, Ekemini Uwan of Truth’s Table, now hold this desire of marriage loosely. Her post titled, Singleness: My Only Companion, beautifully expressed many of the sentiments of my heart and communicated that I am not alone. Thank you sis. This past year God has shown me the beauty in daily gratitude for every met need. As I said every day last year and will continue to say, “I have what I need TODAY, therefore I will not complain.” This includes not complaining about being single. Each year God adds new relationships to my life when I need them and for this I am grateful.
When you see a woman in her mid-to-late thirties who is single, don’t offer her your unsolicited advice. Don’t make her feel like a leper because of her marital status. Don’t presume she is lonely or unfulfilled. Don’t even assume that marriage is a desire of hers. Remember, Jesus was single. I never hear anyone speak of his life of singleness with disdain. The Apostle Paul was single and that is never the first thing people mention when speaking about him. Peep this. All I want you to do is LISTEN if singleness is the topic of conversation. It is often more complicated than swiping left or right on an app or “putting yourself out there.” If the woman is a friend, a daughter, or colleague, listen to her heart when she shares it. Pray for her to live fully and freely in her singleness. And lastly, if she does desire marriage, pray for contentment in the longing. I believe she will benefit from those prayers. I know that I have. Life is full of unmet desires and yet God faithfully meets every need.
But godliness with contentment is great gain. – 1 Timothy 6:6
It is easiest to embrace darkness or at least a season of it when we know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. In my case, it seems the tunnel has no end. In just a few weeks I will be 36 years old and single. I am a woman who loves God and people. I am a woman who is educated. And as I stated, I am a woman who is currently single. Single, meaning, unmarried and not in any type of relationship; like none whatsoever (feel free to insert smile with me). This is not how I would have written my story. And this is when the room becomes dark. However, beauty can come from darkness.
A friend recently reminded me of darkroom photography and the necessity of the darkness to produce a beautiful image. What remains compelling during this process is the that the photographer chooses complete darkness, thereby willfully controlling the level of light. Who chooses complete darkness? I certainly would not. I would choose to know what is ahead; when I will marry and how many children I will have. Others might choose to know when they will land a new job and see relief from some of the financial strain they are experiencing.
Unprompted by me, God has chosen to produce a beautiful image of my life which remains unseen. I am still in the darkroom and as this birthday nears, it feels incredibly dark. Darkness ensues as I dodge the [at times unbearable] question that never fails to be asked of me more times than not, “Are you in a relationship (while being stared at with a hopeful gaze)?” It has also been said to me, “Maybe your standards for a guy are just too high; you should lower them.” Darkness surrounds as I think about the very real limitations of birthing children and how my age plays a part in that. #Realtalk Darkness looms as I think about the number of times, 8 to be exact, that I have joyfully stood as a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding, yet long to celebrate my own.
Although I can not see what awaits me, I await with great expectation for the beauty that God will reveal in me. I know that this beauty goes beyond external and that the Lord is beautifully crafting my character. It is incredibly dark in the dark room. It is even lonely in the darkroom. But it is beautiful. I am daily being made more beautiful and that is beautiful. During this season of singleness, I reflect on my most valued “possession” and the sweetest of things I hold dear and that is my relationship with Christ. There is no season which parallels the opportunity to grow in intimacy with Christ as that of singleness. I want to love and know God deeply. Maybe the darkroom has produced this desire. It is here that I am learning the very hard life lesson of being most satisfied in Him and Him alone.
In the silence and tears, the poem, “I will wait for you,” by Janette…IKZ of the Passion for Christ Movement (P4CM) has echoed the sentiment of my heart; and it still does. Watch the video Here. Janette…IKZ just celebrated her 1 year anniversary of marriage. This poem is so moving to me because I have walked with and prayed with a lot of “Janette…IKZ” in my life. Women who have also held firmly to the promises and standards of God without relenting to the pressures of our society which makes everything sexual and says to satisfy your desires however and whenever you see fit. To these women – I will not name you, but I will thank you. Thank you for being examples of hope to me; even as I am “processing” in my darkroom. Here’s to 36! Another glorious year to behold the glory of the most beautiful one I’ve beheld – Christ Jesus. Maybe I will behold the beauty of new man this year that will also captivate my heart (feel free to insert smile again). Until then…I will wait.
“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!” Psalm 34:8
I imagine that there is not much we can learn from a fish, but, lately I’m finding that all of God’s creation speak; yep, even those that don’t literally have a voice. Charlie, my betta fish, belongs to a unique breed because their belly is only the size of their tiny little eyeball. Even with this physical constraint, betta’s will literally eat EVERY TIME they are fed. They will actually gorge themselves to death! Why? Well, when betta’s are in their natural habitat, they do not know the next time they will eat and so they eat every time there is food even when their bellies are full. This is their nature. In some cases, if unchecked, betta’s will go “belly up” even though they are fat and happy. Strange, right? Not really. Charlie, my fish, swam happily around his tank in this state until I learned that my excessive feeding was putting his life at risk! Poor Charlie.
Charlie reminds me of this current life and how many in our culture, including me, have a tendency to pursue life on the fast track. That pursuit can become all consuming. Similar to the betta fish, consumption is in our nature. The fast track is loaded with stuff and little substance to sustain. The pursuit of more things. In fact, this desire for more things has a direct projection towards greed. Greed is cancer-like. Recklessly invading the body without regard for what is damaged in it’s path. Cancer fights and destroys the very thing that brings life. It would seem lofty to say that greed can destroy us. Only lofty until greed comes face to face with your family and the destruction is seen first hand. Sometimes the idea of greed is left to those who are wealthy. Let’s not be so presumptuous.
I recently read that “the preoccupation with striving, getting, and accumulating is NOT LIMITED TO UNBELIEVERS or those with six figure salaries.” This struggle resides in all of us. The idea that once we are “fat,” that we will then be fulfilled and even satisfied with this life. This next bit of truth serum is brought to you by a woman who has learned that being financially fat won’t make you happy. Cynthia Heimel, a woman who knew several movie stars before they became famous spoke of their ill placed desire in things to satisfy them and make everything ok…
“I pity celebrities, no I really do – Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Barbara Streisand, were once perfectly pleasant human beings. But now their wrath is awful. I think when God wants to play a really rotten practical joke on you he grants you your deepest wish and then laughs merrily when you realize you want to kill yourself. You see Sly, Bruce, and Barbara wanted fame. They worked, they pushed and the morning after each of them became famous they wanted to take an overdose. Because that giant thing they were striving for, that fame thing that was going to make everything OK, that was going to make their lives bearable, that was going to provide them with personal fulfillment and happiness had happened and they were still them. The disillusionment turned them howling and insufferable.” Cynthia Heimel, “Tongue in Chic” column in The Village Voice, January 2, 1990.
Truthfully, the myth of money (or anything outside of Christ) fully satisfying us is just that – a myth. None of us are any different. Deep disappointment awaits us all. This world alone was not meant to satisfy us. We were made for another world.
So, what should we do with this deep disappointment? We should look not to be made fat, but to become fulfilled in Jesus Christ alone. Relationship with Jesus Christ is enough to satisfy us. That is it. Simple and increasingly difficult to do in this life. As a single woman, I know that the things I desire today, such as marriage and family, will one day disappointment me in some manner. I will at some point feel unfulfilled even in that exciting season because people were never meant to fully fulfill us. So, I take this truth and hold on tightly to it. Maybe that simple truth will help me to not hold so tightly to things and grasp more tightly the gift of Christ’s love. Nothing wrong with the things we have been afforded in this life, such as cars, money, relationships; but are they consuming us? Are our lives and schedules filled with only the pursuit of these things? Has any particular “thing” moved from good to idolization? We must ask ourselves if what we are consuming is killing us or bringing us life.
Although I don’t have many things, I am full.
“Better a little with righteousness than much gain with injustice.” Proverbs 16:8 (NIV)
Precious Predilections 