Precious Predilections

Tag: feature

  • Late Dreamer

    Late Dreamer

    I was a late bloomer.  Late to learn to drive.  Late to receive an invite to the party.  Ok, I was never invited to high school parties.  Late to dream.  Definitely late to dream.  In fact, in the very literal since of the word, dreaming has never been a constant reality in my life.  I rarely “recall” dreams.  I go to sleep.  I wake up.  Repeat.  Metaphorically, I’ve lived most of my life without a real consideration of the need for dreaming.  I figured.  I have shelter.  I’m employed.  I’m in good health.  I have healthy relationships.  A family that loves and supports me.  I spent the early part of my career ignoring the deeper ache to work in an industry where I would no longer be linked to the golden handcuffs of corporate.   That was eight years ago.  The second half of my career has been in the non-profit sector and has brought me great joy.  Yet, an ache persisted.  Three months ago I took another step of faith.  I decided that I would actively move in the direction of a dream I believe that God put in my  heart.   If you’ve been following my blogs, you know I moved to South Africa contingent upon landing a job.

    dreamsa

    What am I to now do when the dream doesn’t look like what I imagined?  I never imagined I would be back home and living with family at 38.  I never imagined that I would be without a vehicle at this phase of life.  When I decided to move to South Africa by faith, it was all or nothing.  Either I trust God or I don’t, right?  I gave my car away along with other things.  There was incredible freedom in being able to give generously without regret.  Let me be clear, there is still no regret in giving away any of the items that I did.  There was something scary and beautiful about trusting God in this new land.

    Now, I am back in my homeland.  Orlando, FL.  There’s something scary and beautiful about trusting God with my future.  This feels different because it is different.  Wouldn’t you know that God continues to write my incredible story without much of my input regarding timing, but always considering my heart’s cry?  God knows me.  He knows me well.  He knows me best.  I always take comfort in this truth.  Is this what dreaming feels like?  Because I’m a late dreamer…

    Our society has romanticized the idea of “going after one’s dream” just as it has racial reconciliation.  Or the idea of justice.  All take longer than 3 months to achieve.  Honestly speaking, I bought into the lie of this microwave production of my future.  Never before had I been so public in taking a risk.  Never before had so many people publicly provided support.  Never before have I felt like such a failure.  And never before have I wanted to conjure up a response to the question, “When are you going back?”  Is this what dreaming feels like?  Because, you know, I’m a late dreamer…

    To make this journey a little less romantic, I’ve spent my first 2 weeks back in America reminding myself that most of what I am currently experiencing are inconveniences.  Having a car was convenient because there’s public transportation in this city.  Having my own place is convenient, but I am thankful for shelter with family.  Having a plan work out perfectly is convenient, but most dreams take years to realize. Some days depression comes in like a wave and other days, I soar above my circumstance.  Is this what dreaming feels like?  You already know, I’m a late dreamer…

    Dreaming has been hard, but going after my dream has been even harder.

    I’m not chasing after this dream with debt and zero savings.  I don’t know that faith and wisdom have to compete with one another.  To prepare for this adventure, I have saved money because I expected some bumps along the way.  The 3 months I spent in South Africa were incredible, but also freeing because I did not have the stress that comes with debt.

    I’m not chasing after this dream to prove anything.  I’m chasing after this dream because I now know my worth.  I didn’t believe I was worthy of a dream.   Knowing differently changes everything.  Is this what dreaming feels like?  Because, you know, I’m a late dreamer…

    There are days that I hate that I spent three months in South Africa because of what I witnessed and yet I love South Africa because of what I witnessed.  It is impossible to un-see what I have seen.  This past Sunday I wept as I worshiped with other believers here in America I could only think of some of the conversations, connections, and complexities encountered during my time there.  I must return.

    South Africa provided a small taste of freedom.  It fuels the dream. 

    Although I was frustrated with the number of closed doors in South Africa during my time there, it could have been a much worse experience.  Such rich experiences there and beautiful memories found in the midst of rejection. Thank you to everyone that supported me in prayer, finances, and otherwise.  For the dreamers that have gone before me.  Thank you.  Enkosi.

    “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
    they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
    ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul,
    ‘therefore I will hope in him.’”       – Lamentations 3:22-24

  • Absent Affirmations of my Father

    Absent Affirmations of my Father

    Father’s day is near and this year I don’t feel prepared to lament the indefinite absence of my father’s presence once again.   As if there ever was a preparation substantial enough to carry the weight that my father is no longer alive. It’s been almost 22 years and I never feel prepared to think about it or actively acknowledge it because it hurts.  But at times, even in this reality of loss, I feel hope.  Well, this year, I REALLY feel my father’s absence; not only in the lack of his physical presence, but more so in the lack of his words.

    “Words have a longevity we don’t. ” – Paul Kalanithi

    A friend of mine recently blogged about the fear of losing dear memories of her daddy after he passed away.  As I read that blog and thought more about my own father, I began to wonder what I should do if I have no memory of my father affirming me. Not one.  No “I love you’s” to recount.  No memories of his laugh.  I can see evidence of his smile embedded within mine when I look at old photos of him.  And I have been generously endowed with his nose structure.  Thanks dad! 👌🏾

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    I have friends that have come to understand how deeply I value words of affirmation.  It is my top love language.  This precious value on words has moved beyond appeasement of personality. It beckons my heart to behold the power of legacy.  Words absolutely have a longevity that our frail bodies do not. Our physical bodies fade, but our words, can lift the soul again and again.  And for the daughter or son who may have lost a parent, this lifting of the soul is treasured.  And needed.

    I previously believed that it was enough to simply know of my father’s love, but somehow my heart demands more than just intellectual ascent.  Because love that is only known intellectually, feels like no love at all.  The heart fails to really connect to such love.  Ask the orphan.  Ask the estranged family member.  Ask me.  There are days, weeks, where I long to hear my father’s voice.  I long to hear him say I love you.  In full candor, I thought that I would mature past this longing as an adult.  Now, I realize that maturation is a long, complex, process.  I recently heard that maturation comes when you are able to make difficult decisions even when you are still afraid.  In that case, my maturity is on the horizon.  I am afraid to love my father deeply and allow myself to long to know/understand a man that rejected me as a 2 year old; yet I persist in doing so, with knees knocking.  It has been easiest to move past Father’s Day in order to avoid experiencing the fear of immobilizing pain again.  In the past four years, I haven’t been able to simply move on. I am thankful for this emotional awakening.   There must be an unseen beauty in the process of loving those who’ve left searing emotional scars.  A beauty only unveiled as we chose to love.

    For some, our journey of love will bear more scars than others.

    Parents, whether via birth or adoption, foster or legal guardian, please make space to affirm your children.  Your words are most formative.  If the painful memory of my father serve’s no other purpose than to espouse the value of affirming children in word and in speech while you are still present, then at least there is some purpose in this pain.

    Shout out to my father with the “BluBlockers” in the featured pic of this blog.  I love you mane.  I miss you.  Happy Father’s Day.  I’ve heard you were a proud father and I will have to believe the account of those that knew you.  – Your daughter

    “I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all of my fears.”

    Psalms 34:4

  • Unveiling Hidden Figures

    Unveiling Hidden Figures

    The movie “Hidden Figures” took me on a roller coaster of emotions that I am not sure I’ve come down from.  Many [many] years ago, I was a budding engineer interning at NASA’s Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, FL who later turned down an offer to work as a long term engineer there.   At that time I had no idea of the premise of being a “hidden figure” in my career.  I was naive. Hopeful.  Trusting and hanging on to every word of those in authority; predominantly  the older, white men who were my managers.

    This derivation of mixed emotions comes from the simple, yet complex idea that things which are hidden are searched for intentionally, or remain hidden for a long time; only discovered by happenstance.  I honestly celebrate the healthy exposure that this movie has brought African American women in the science fields, yet my heart and life experience wrestle with the reality that any leader who chooses to unveil hidden figures in any industry must pay some cost.  It may cost some a bruised ego.   Others some of their influence.  Still others the very position that they may have aspired to or felt entitled to for years.  Truthfully, this is a cost that some are unwilling to pay.

    ***SPOILER ALERT***

    Choosing to Unveil

    When I re-imagine the bathroom scene where her manager tears down the “Colored Only” bathroom sign with every exertion of strength in his body, I am deeply moved.  Viscerally moved to tears.  I am moved because he had a choice.  He had a choice to leave things the way they were (which was perfectly legal) or to ensure equity for all on his staff at the expense of his social capital and the dissenting opinions of others. I won’t divulge details, but as a women of color who has experienced working on teams and with management who choose to unveil and those who don’t, I will say that I believe this act was far more courageous than depicted.  Now, before we toot too many horns, the most glaring paradox in this movie to me was that these women WERE ONLY unveiled because there was a DIRECT BENEFIT to those who had allowed them to remain hidden for so long.  In fact, the cost became too great for them not to be unveiled.  I mean, we’ve got to get John Glenn to space, right?  By the end of the movie, I joined everyone in celebrating the greater victory for America, but I could only think, the managers cowered because they had to; because they wanted victory so badly.  They DID NOT do the right thing simply because it was the right thing to do.

    I want to honor Martin Luther King, Jr. as we near the end of another #BlackHistoryMonth and highlight the response of Dorothy Vaughan, Octavia Spencer’s character,  who in fact did the right thing because it was the right thing to do. 

    martinlutherkingjrthetimeisalwaysright

    Leaders who Do the Right Thing (as reflected in Octavia’s charachter) are marked by:

    1. Recognition (of others) – She actively worked to recognize the gifts and talents of those on her team even if it warranted a promotion for them and practical obscurity for her.
    2. Innovation – She  developed a new way for those on her team to experience growth so that they were prepared to be unveiled when the time was right.  She risked the very promotion she had longed for so that the entire team rose to another level when she rose to another level.  Great innovation is often accompanied by great risk.
    3. Golden Rule Gratitude – With outward expressions of gratitude, she never delineated from treating others the way that she wanted to be treated.
    4. Hopefulness – She hung on to hope.  Her hopeful vision for the future propelled her and others forward.
    5. Tenacity – She displayed a dogged tenacity to lead and develop others with the influence given.

    There are hidden figures in classrooms, colleges, and places of employment everywhere.  Many systems in society have given visibility to some and not others.

    Today, I am less of a hidden figure.  Still being unveiled and grateful for it.

    One day, I hope it is said of me that I “did the right thing” as a leader; a person of influence.  I understand that I have a beautiful choice.  I will choose to unveil hidden figures when presented with the opportunity. Who will you help unveil today?

    “He must become greater; I must become less.” – John 3: 30, NIV