It has never been darker than it is now…
It is easiest to embrace darkness or at least a season of it when we know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. In my case, it seems the tunnel has no end. In just a few weeks I will be 36 years old and single. I am a woman who loves God and people. I am a woman who is educated. And as I stated, I am a woman who is currently single. Single, meaning, unmarried and not in any type of relationship; like none whatsoever (feel free to insert smile with me). This is not how I would have written my story. And this is when the room becomes dark. However, beauty can come from darkness.
A friend recently reminded me of darkroom photography and the necessity of the darkness to produce a beautiful image. What remains compelling during this process is the that the photographer chooses complete darkness, thereby willfully controlling the level of light. Who chooses complete darkness? I certainly would not. I would choose to know what is ahead; when I will marry and how many children I will have. Others might choose to know when they will land a new job and see relief from some of the financial strain they are experiencing.
Unprompted by me, God has chosen to produce a beautiful image of my life which remains unseen. I am still in the darkroom and as this birthday nears, it feels incredibly dark. Darkness ensues as I dodge the [at times unbearable] question that never fails to be asked of me more times than not, “Are you in a relationship (while being stared at with a hopeful gaze)?” It has also been said to me, “Maybe your standards for a guy are just too high; you should lower them.” Darkness surrounds as I think about the very real limitations of birthing children and how my age plays a part in that. #Realtalk Darkness looms as I think about the number of times, 8 to be exact, that I have joyfully stood as a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding, yet long to celebrate my own.
Although I can not see what awaits me, I await with great expectation for the beauty that God will reveal in me. I know that this beauty goes beyond external and that the Lord is beautifully crafting my character. It is incredibly dark in the dark room. It is even lonely in the darkroom. But it is beautiful. I am daily being made more beautiful and that is beautiful. During this season of singleness, I reflect on my most valued “possession” and the sweetest of things I hold dear and that is my relationship with Christ. There is no season which parallels the opportunity to grow in intimacy with Christ as that of singleness. I want to love and know God deeply. Maybe the darkroom has produced this desire. It is here that I am learning the very hard life lesson of being most satisfied in Him and Him alone.
In the silence and tears, the poem, “I will wait for you,” by Janette…IKZ of the Passion for Christ Movement (P4CM) has echoed the sentiment of my heart; and it still does. Watch the video Here. Janette…IKZ just celebrated her 1 year anniversary of marriage. This poem is so moving to me because I have walked with and prayed with a lot of “Janette…IKZ” in my life. Women who have also held firmly to the promises and standards of God without relenting to the pressures of our society which makes everything sexual and says to satisfy your desires however and whenever you see fit. To these women – I will not name you, but I will thank you. Thank you for being examples of hope to me; even as I am “processing” in my darkroom. Here’s to 36! Another glorious year to behold the glory of the most beautiful one I’ve beheld – Christ Jesus. Maybe I will behold the beauty of new man this year that will also captivate my heart (feel free to insert smile again). Until then…I will wait.
“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!” Psalm 34:8